This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
