Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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