Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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