Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
