Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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