my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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