I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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