Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
