Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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