i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
