so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
