I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
