i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
