Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
