The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
