so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
