ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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