grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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