I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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