i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
