Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
