My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
