Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
