apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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