What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
