The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize