Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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