He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize