That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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