living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
