just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
