dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have demons in me.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
