wakey wakey hands off snakey
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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