Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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