I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He did a backflip because drugs
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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