I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
