Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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