i permit you to call me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
