life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
