i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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