I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
