Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
