Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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