Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
