my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
