Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
