Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
this will be a night to untag.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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