How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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