Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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