Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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