White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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