Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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