I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize