Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize