As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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