So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
