I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
