Can i not drive my cunt home
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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