so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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