I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
