a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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