she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
