I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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