someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
